The biblical view of love is an absolute dedication as two people pursue one another’s greatest good. Jesus Christ’s love for you is unconditional. You can never do anything to Him to make Him stop loving you because His love is permanent. Of course, you can reject His love, and many people choose to do that every single day, but His love will not cease. You may choose to be lost, but His love for you remains relentless and faithful. His commitment to love you does not devalue because you choose to reject His love. He continues to seek what is best for us.
This world would have us believe that committing ourselves to one another for life—and remaining faithful throughout—is an unrealistic expectation. Yet, God compares the love of a husband and wife to His love for His people. God has never been unfaithful to us. He has never abandoned us. He has never failed us. Why, then, should we give less or expect less in return? Ours should be an unfailing commitment. Without such, there can be no true love; for true love lasts forever; it is eternal.
At large, the world’s view of love is defined by mere feelings. The world’s love lasts only for as long as there are romantic feelings involved. If this shallow emotion ever fades, the world determines that the love that was once there has run its course, and therefore, has come to an end.
To truly love someone as God has ordained is not just a strong feeling. Instead, it is an abiding decision, it is a conviction, it is a promise. It is intentional and purposeful.
The world’s view of love is one that says, “I am loved if my needs are met,” and/or, “I can love another if my needs are met.” It is a provisional love that lasts for only as long as “I am pleased.” The world’s view of love is very self-centered. It is primarily based upon our satisfaction.
The thing that we need to acknowledge and appreciate, is that our feelings are God-given. Even Jesus Christ has feelings; if you don’t believe us, read the Bible. God created us to have both negative and positive feelings. We may not like how we feel at times, but feelings are necessary. Imagine what life would be like without emotions.
Feelings, both good and bad, have their place when they are led by the Holy Spirit. If the Holy Spirit gives us a bad feeling about something, it is His way of alerting us. Contrarily, our lascivious mindset will lead us astray using our feelings. Our minds and flesh, the Bible tells us, are enemies of God (see Romans 8:7). Our flesh, in and of itself, does not want to be obedient to the ways and the will of God. We must be mindful so that our “feelings” don’t lead us in the wrong direction.
Our feelings are real; we can’t refute them. But they must be dealt with in a godly manner so as not to give them control over us. To do this, we must honestly deal with our feelings. Scripture says, in Proverbs 25:28, “Whoever has no rule over his own spirit is like a city broken down, without walls.” Our feelings must not be the driving force in our lives, even if they are legitimate; they should never completely control of us.
All too often, feelings are the driving force in marriages. This is especially true when it comes to our methods of communication. Feelings often determine whether we communicate in a negative or positive way. This makes it essential for us to learn how to express our emotions in a valuable and positive way.
Anger, in and of itself, is not sinful. Yet, it can become sinful if we fail to deal with it honestly. We misuse our anger when we give way to it by allowing it to turn into bitterness or when we allow it to motivate us to hurt others to promote our own selfish desires. Speaking the truth in love is the greatest help in dealing with conflict fruitfully.
Ephesians 4:15-16 (NIV) says, “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows, and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.”
We may look at those verses only as they apply to our relationship within the church, but Paul is giving us instruction that applies to every relationship, especially marriage. A couple laboring to grow up in Christ will also grow in their relationship with each other as they strive to speak the truth in love.
Bickering with our spouse, at times, results in blaming the other for how we feel, rather than allowing our feelings to be voiced honestly to share what is going on inside of us. Honesty isn’t made any easier when those we share our true feelings with become offended over how we feel about any given situation. The conflict we have is not wrong, but the way we handle our conflict, as we strive to become one within the marriage defined by God, can go down the wrong road if we do not speak the truth in love.
Conflict may instill a competitive spirit, leaving both the husband and the wife feeling as though they must win the argument. As spouses, if our negative feelings instill the idea that we must win, we enter a downward vortex in our marriage relationship. When proving we are right, becomes the purpose of the conflict, it always leaves one failing. What we all must understand is that if one loses, both lose, and it can easily result in unthinkable consequences on the one-flesh marriage relationship.
Resolving conflict requires us to tackle our differences without attacking one another. It would be extremely helpful if we would realize that there is an answer to our problems as we seek to resolve them. Having faith that there is an answer will go a long way in resolution as it will allow us to face our problems in expectation of a positive conclusion.
Remember, we must see the obstacles we face as we become one as healthy, natural and normal aspects of marriages. We can then deal with our conflict honestly. To do so, we must learn to accept one another’s point of view without feeling threatened. We may be convinced that our point is the only valid view, but this only promotes disputes. Conflict is predictable, but it can be worked through by a couple in the quest of having a marriage that truly reflects Christ and His bride, which is the church.
The love within a marriage must run deeper than a feeling. Feelings come and go. They are fleeting and fickle. What makes our flesh feel good today may not render the same emotion from us five years from now. Many of the things that brought us fuzzy feelings in our 20s won’t likely do that when we’re in our 40s, 50s and beyond. A foundation built with feelings won’t be nearly sturdy enough to support a lifetime covenant. However, a marriage built on the foundation of the Word of God will withstand even the tests of time, because the Word of God and the love of God lasts forever.
“And the two shall no longer be twain, but one flesh” (see Mark 10:8).
Drs. Michael & Kendra Holmes are the senior pastors of Deliverance Revival Church in Byron, Ga., the founders of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC, the authors of the 31-day devotional, “Cross-Fire: Igniting Passionate, Purposeful, and Powerful Relationships” and guest hosts of the former television talk show, “The Marriage Circle Connection.” W.A.R. is an acronym for “We Are Royalty,” TM the official slogan of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC. Visit the website at www.RoyaltyRelationshipCoaching.com.
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