While submission to our spouse is both biblical and necessary, it should never be greater than our submission to God. Some people think God gives us the liberty to have another deity before Him. That is just not so (See Exodus 20:3). We must always submit to God first. When we do that, we will find that godly submission within the marriage bond is not a burden, but a blessing.
Submission is not just for wives as many have been led to believe. Yes, the Bible says that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church and wives are to submit to their husbands. But in the simplest of terms, submission is an act of surrender and an art of acceptance. Both the husband and the wife must do these things on occasion in order for a marriage to be harmonious. Trash any notion of a 70/30 rule, and while you’re at it, you can toss the 50/50 ruling too. Marriage is all about 100/100. There is no room for being stubborn, bull-headed, or stuck in your ways. Both parties must give it their all; that includes compromising, working together and making adjustments when necessary.
There are all sorts of daily situations where one must submit to the other. As husbands and wives, we will have to make frequent decisions about certain things that are relative, not only to the marriage itself, but to the very essential needs of each other. These decisions are not always to separate the good from the evil but deciding what’s the best thing to do in any specific situation. For example, we may want to purchase a home, but what type? How much do we spend? These kinds of situations are where we grow together as husband and wife while submitting to one another. We must gain understanding of what kind of home fits both our needs so we can make a wise choice. At times, it is not always clear which course of action to take. This is where effective communication with one another and praying together in agreement comes in. Seeking God’s desire for our lives as a unified couple—even in the most common decisions—is imperative.
When we submit to our spouses, we are either submitting to the Christ in them or the self-centered mindset of them. After the decision to disobey God’s command, Adam and his wife, the Bible records, sewed fig leaves to cover their nakedness. They had been naked from the beginning, but prior to their disobedience, they were unashamed. Sin will have you hiding! Later, this first husband and wife came together intimately and birthed children. While Adam was created after God’s own image, Scripture indicates that by the time his son, Seth, was born, sin had changed things. This son was born, not after God’s own image, but after Adam’s. Allow us a moment to clarify what this means.
In these verses of Scripture concerning submitting to another, there are commands to submit only to that which is of God: that which does not breach the Word of God and that which God has dealt with us about in our own personal lives concerning His purpose for us. When we know we haven’t violated the Word of God, we should have a clean conscience, and our heart is open and receptive before Him. We know we have then appropriately submitted, even if the spouse doesn’t agree. If we find ourselves in sin, however, that won’t be the case.
Because Adam chose to eat fruit that Eve presented to him despite what he fully knew God had directed, it caused a devastating shift. We are not to make gods of others in our attitude of submission. God is jealous for that position alone (See Exodus 20:4-5). Many who claim Christianity seem to have forgotten that God doesn’t want us to have any other gods before Him, regardless of what form they come in. Yes, that includes our husbands and wives. We are to love them, honor them, cherish them, but we are to never place them ahead of God.
The word “submission” literally means to “arrange under” (hypo, “under,” tasso, “to arrange”). It can mean involuntary obedience to another’s authority, particularly when used in a military context. However, when the word occurs in the middle voice (that is, when one does the action to or for oneself), the verb hypotassō can take on the sense of a voluntary submission to another person out of humility, compassion, or love. This, our married brothers and sisters, is the type of submission that all believers, including husbands and wives, render to one another. To put it in basic terminology—in the perspective of relationships between believers, submission is best understood as voluntary servanthood driven by love.
To be clear, the husband does function in the governance role as the “head.” This leadership responsibility is not contradictory with reciprocal submission but instead functions within that structure. The husband’s leadership role is conveyed in sacrificial love through servant-leadership with respect to his wife rather than control.
Listen, Christian couples. We all need to understand the correct role of submission in marriage so that our homes will be harmonious and free of controversy. According to the teaching of the Bible, in the Spirit, women are equal with men, and each must submit unto Christ as their spiritual head.
Having read this piece, you might be wondering why we dwelled so heavily on the topic of submission and its role in marriage. Well, here’s why. For years, submission in marriage has been such a divisive topic. While it should not be frowned upon by the wife or used as a weapon by the husband, it often is, and what should be a beautiful and bonding selfless act of surrender between a husband and wife is turned into something ugly and destructive. We know this to be true because as relationship coaches and counselors, we’ve seen it all-too-often.
Sometimes, to sharpen our understanding of a thing, it is necessary to go back to the root of the word itself, define it, understand it in the context of Biblical culture, and then see how to apply those truths to everyday life. Submission applies to all of us. The order flows like this. God is at the very top. Christ submits to God. The church (that’s us) submits to Christ (by submitting to the Word of God). In marriage, the order flows similarly. Paul said it like this in 1 Corinthians 11:3. “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.”
Drs. Michael & Kendra Holmes are the senior pastors of Deliverance Revival Church in Byron, Ga., the founders of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC, the authors of the 31-day devotional, “Cross-Fire: Igniting Passionate, Purposeful, and Powerful Relationships” and guest hosts of the former television talk show, “The Marriage Circle Connection.” W.A.R. is an acronym for “We Are Royalty,” ™ the official slogan of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC. Visit the website at www.RoyaltyRelationshipCoaching.com.
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